STOP IMPOSING YOUR OWN PREFERENCES ON CHILDREN
1. During their childhood
· There are times when highly involved and intense parenting smothers a child’s adult life.
· It may not always lead to becoming a spoilt brat with an attitude of entitlement to his parent’s wealth.
· Instead, it may hinder an idealistic young person keen to be on his own.
· Parents mean well, but their protectionism may perhaps not be helpful.
· In the modern age of parenting, children are trophies to admire and to show off.
· It begins with the cuteness of the toothless grin that is diligently video-filmed, extends into the broadcasting of scholastic achievements on Facebook, and culminates in the gloating about job and salaries.
2. During their earning years
· While a toddler’s self-esteem is boosted with the appreciation he gets, a 24-year old squirms in embarrassment when parents talk about his income.
· Many modern parents still wear the scars of their early adulthood, when their income was handed over to the family elder, and used for satisfying the multiple demands of siblings and relatives.
· The high position or salary of their child is their trophy, the ultimate stamp of validation that all their decisions were right.
· They are too proud to ask their children for money, but would still like to know how much they earn.
· Parents should recognise that this is the first intrusion in their child's personal affair, and desist from asking about how much they earn.
· Even if you do get to know his salary, do not spread the word and don’t compare notes.
· Parents fail to see that the lifestyle they afford to their children comes from their having climbed up the ladder of success, whereas their child needs to build his own success story.
· By being anxious about your children’s comforts, you deny them the opportunity to build on their own.
· Your child may be keen to live with friends in a smaller apartment with limited amenities.
· He may feel uncomfortable living with you and crave the freedom of his own space.
· For this, he may be willing to trade off the luxuries of your home for the joy of being on his own.
· Stop making the decisions about where he would live, what he would wear, how he would commute and what he would eat.
· Encourage his self respect by desisting from the temptation to ‘chip in’ with monetary help.
· Our young earners have been consistently told that they would save on rent, food and other utilities if they stayed at home, and they are unable to win the argument in their own favour.
· There are parents who have recognised the fact that their child’s social life would not include them.
· But they are unwilling to see that the child may like to be excluded from the parents’ social circle too.
· While teenagers suffer boring dinners with their parent’s friends, young people are also mercilessly dragged into worthless career counselling sessions with those whom their parents see as successful.
· Parents continue to hope that their child would be inspired, encouraged, and enchanted by the former’s friends.
· Even as their friend is trying to wiggle out, eager parents are asking for internships, interview calls, promotions, change of location, or any other favour their influential friend can bestow on their child.
· Your child may be old enough to have his own network that he prefers to lean on, so stop tagging him along with you.
3. During their investing
· The paternalistic behaviour extends to financial decisions as well.
· Parents take upon themselves the investment decisions of the earning children.
· It all begins with helping file the tax returns and doing the paperwork, and slowly creeps into complete ownership of the portfolio.
· The risk profiles of the modern youth and that of the parents could be vastly different.
· Today's youth may want to invest monthly in an equity fund, but the father will insist that he bank deposits and the Provident Fund route is a better and safer option.
· Many youngsters have been forced by parents into buying a house very early in their earning life.
· Parents have mostly pushed this “compulsory saving” on them, although the monthly instalments have become the albatross around their necks.
· This attitude has interfered in every single decision, from changing the job, to moving location
and even getting married.
and even getting married.
· Instead, it would have been better to refer your child to a good financial adviser whom you trust.
· Let your child take his or her own financial decisions.
· Some well meaning parents also take on a part of their child’s financial burden, by paying the insurance premium, education loan, car loan instalments, and any other commitment that they perceive would be burdensome for the child.
· This ruins the possibility of the youngster developing financial discipline in his life.
· What begins as “support” soon becomes 'entitlement' for the child.
· Youngsters, who are unable to manage a lifestyle that fits into their income, use these props.
· While the self-respecting child might fight a fierce battle to keep the parent off, the weak-hearted succumbs to the temptation of having more money in hand to spend.
4. During your retirement planning
· If the ideas of being hard-hearted with money makes you feel like a lesser parent, make sure you have defined the limits of your generosity well in advance.
· If the child whose premium you paid, later fails to pay your hospital bills when you age, you might turn bitter.
· It might be a better idea for you save up your money today, so that your future medical bills do not have to depend on your child’s income.
· The ultimate harmful indulgence is the mindless acquisition of assets in the name of the child, and the incomplete bequest of the same during your lifetime.
· There would be many flats, in ageing apartments, that have been left behind by parents to their children who are working overseas, and who have no time to come back to even register the flats in their names.
· The properties, investments, deposits and other assets had been created as buffer, to secure the child, but these decisions might have been made without consulting the child at any time.
· The worst part is that the Will, its registration, or the nominations are incomplete in many cases.
· The bequest thus turns into a painful process of claiming assets that were fondly built, but useless and poorly bequeathed.
5. In conclusion
· Underlying all these well-meaning and eager behaviour is the overwhelming parental angst to ensure the best for the child.
· But have you allowed the space for your child’s preferences?
· And waited for him or her to ask and explicitly seek your help?